Theatrical drama

Picture it, Sicily 1918. The stage is set, they call us to take our seats for this thrilling tale of scandalous behavior.

We are seated, lights dim and the curtains are lifted. Backdrop is a gorgeous scenery of an Australian billabong bush setting. Slight music interlude and we set off for this thrilling performance of which has been highly recommended by all who have experienced it before. This includes both, national and international media who have given this experience worldly acclaims.

Weaving and dodging through the scenery, we are reminded of the canals of Venice. Life and times are innocent. Spirits are lifted as the actors take to the stage. There is heartfelt angst to the Damsel as she recently said goodbye to loved ones. For light through yonder window breaks – the Damsel is aimlessly engrossed in her surroundings. It’s early this fine spring morning. She floats through the water with an air of grace. Her attention is distracted as she is bemused by an anticipated interruption. Joy is brought to her face with the short but lasting distraction of Lady 1. Lady 1 is a well dressed, sophisticated lady that has an ora about herself that many are intrigued with. Although fleeting, her cries of delight are overheard by the Villain. Still delighted by her interruption, she is unbeknownst to the perils of the Villain. He is hiding on the cliff above and before she can compose herself to reciprocate the interruption of Lady 1, the Villain struck with speed and force and removed Lady 1 from the scene.

Heavy drum noise.

Not a pessimistic individual, our Damsel is undeterred by the Villain’s actions. She continues her float along the spring felt scene taking in the architecture of the intertwined flora with the knowledge that the right lady is out there for her. Taking a turn in her travels, she is now drifting along a pathway of overgrown pandanas trees. The scenery is amazing. She is engrossed at such beauty that her thoughts are returned to Lady 1, when suddenly Lady 2 enters the scene. She takes heed to her advancements with great enthusiasm. Unfortunately this instance was too, a fleeting experience. The Villain attuned to the Damsels cries of glee, emerges from the pandanas covered foreground to abduct Lady 2. Unwilling in her own right, Lady 2 struggles and reveals in her plight that she is a young attractive ballerina, pirouetting on stage to escape the clenches of the Villain. Gone has two extraordinary ladies to the nasty Villains tactics, the Damsel scowls him with dissent.

Heavy drum noise matches the burrowed eyebrows of the Damsel.

Quite chuffed that such blatant hypocrisy could occur in such a quick time frame, she shuns the Villain’s laughter of contempt. Our Damsel moves to more open areas of scenery limiting the hiding nooks that the Villain has accommodated earlier that day. The beauty is ever greater than of previous experiences. The open scenery is lined with the Damsel’s favorite flowers, the native Australian Water Lilly. The scene is framed with this carpet of colour and aroma of the blossoms that happiness is brought back to her face. The Damsel tilts her head back to take in the sensory overload of the warmth of the spring sun, the palate of colour and distinct aroma of the lilies that she is again interrupted by a very attractive lady. Lady 3 catches her eye but plays hard to get. She turns her back on the Damsel to reveal the sleek cut and shimmering colour of her designer garment. Encouraged greater than ever, the Damsel moves towards Lady 3. Still not wanting to be obviously caught by the Damsel’s wilds, Lady 3 shows her athletic prowess with a gymnastic move across the stage. Fascinated by this performance, the Damsel positions herself in her path. Lady 3 now knowing that she has captivated the attention of the Damsel proceeds to the safety of her waiting arms. Suddenly, danger lurks near by that threatens to sever this connection between the two beauties. Startled by this danger Lady 3 shies away to the safety of the forest. However, the connection between both ladies draws each other closer and soon they are united. Cries of glee are heard far and wide. The Damsel has finally captured a lady deserving of her attention.

Delighted in her success, the Damsel continues to keep an attentive approach to other ladies for the rest of the afternoon. Again, she is interrupted by another beauty. Similar to the other ladies of the day, this one has as much sophistication and elegance as the others. Ecstatic with her capture of Lady 3, her reaction is lessened. However, lurking near by was the Villain who again stole this lady from the arms of the Damsel. Not to be out done with injustices, the Arch Enemy of the Villain entered the scene. This Arch Enemy was all who were concerned, greatest enemy. The Damsel showing good faith to the Villain assisted with cries of warnings. The Villains attention was heightened as he quickly stole Lady 4 from the clasp of the Arch Enemy. Both the Damsel and the Villain took heed to this threat from the Arch Enemy and decided to be pleased with the day’s experiences and retreated home with Lady 1, Lady 2, Lady 3 and Lady 4.

The lights bring the theatre patrons back to reality. The curtains close and we are left with the lasting impression of “what matters in life is not quantity, its quality”.

Now to introduce the cast

CAST
Villain played by - Crusty Old Man
Damsel played by - Kim Dundee
Lady 1 played by - Barramundi # 1 60cm
Lady 2 played by - Barramundi # 2 55cm
Lady 3 played by - Barramundi # 3 60cm
Lady 4 played by - Barramundi # 4 55cm
Villain’s Arch Enemy played by – 2.5m Crocodile
Music interludes played by – Australian Bush Birds
Set designer – Mother Nature of Australian origins

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Apologies to my brother-in-law who left earlier that week and missed barra fishing – next time Tim.

Bill

Picture it, Sicily 1916. I am out to dinner with 15 mates to celebrate another mate’s resignation from work. The dinner is proceeding very well and we are all eating and how unusual - drinking. With all of the 30 something’s, conversation was varied and amusing. The amusement increased as with the alcohol intake. It comes time for the bill. Easy enough you would think as most of the attendees are established in their careers, the bill breakdown was given to one of our fellow constituents who works in finance. We will now refer to this person as “dollars and cents”.

Let’s just paint the picture of “dollars and cents”. She has come to be one of my great mates up here and will be a life long pal. This person can drink me under the table with ease and will often be the first one to put me “off tap” for being too intoxicated. Many a good night has been spent with this person “rocking out” as with the copious amount of abdominal workouts and wrinkles from laughing at “crazy town” member stories.

So the bill is broken down to what we ate as all drinks were paid for along the course of the night. Handing over the money from 14 members to one of our constituents who paid for the whole dinner on his credit card. Upon drunken proclamation, the person who went and paid came back to the table with mild amusement. Instead of not telling us about the miss calculation and getting a free meal, he did as any good Territorian does – returned to the table – took the piss out of “dollars and cents” by announcing to the table that a gross over calculation had occurred in the breakdown of the bill. His rectification of the situation was to………. Wait for it……. Buy what ever the over calculation was in shooters.

Now in recent review of the Charles Darwin University Annual Report our finance officer found that the university was in the green of 44 million dollars for the 03-04 financial year (they weren’t saying this in the report). As stated earlier “dollar and cents” works in finance – it just so happens that the finance department she works for is the university’s finance department. Hmmmmm – coincidence??????

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory.

Shark

Picture it, Sicily 1917, I arrange for 3 mates and myself to go off to the movies to see an epic tale of how 2 Americans died in Australia. Knowing this was a true story and the impacts that this has in my area of studies/employment I was up to date with the proceedings and knowledge of the coroner’s inquest and recommendations handed down in a Queensland court.

Ok, lets fast track this a bit. The movie was called Open Water. You know the story, 2 American divers get let behind on the Great Barrier Reef and die……. To me, that would be a 20 minute movie, and after 2 minutes that was what I was praying for. But no! So, really bad actors, really bad setting – think they had it set in the Bahamas or something – but this was a blessing in disguise as it really showed how stupid Aussies are in the movie. What was good was the fact that the sharks were real. So in Australia we call POME’s “Whining Pome’s” but you should have seen these yanks. At least there was no praying (latest stats show that America is made up of 40% born agains). Yes, ok perhaps I would be doing a bit of complaining as well after being left behind, but get over it – your now shark bait, deal with it.

Let me get to the good bits. The man sitting behind me left and came back to proceed to touch me on the leg. Ok. You’re in the wrong isle mate, so back the hell away from my leg…. 2 isles are now laughing at him for making that mistake. Can I say, that was the highlight of the whole movie.

So they die, yes we all get that, but before they die, she is the first one to get bitten by a shark. Now bleeding, she was being tapped near the wounded area. What could it be? Well as there are numerous sharks now circling her, my guess is that it was - doing the bolt, Harold Holt swimming with the sharks handing out ALP how to vote cards……….. That would have been a great scene to add to the movie and I would go out on a limb to say a federal election winning tactic – but unfortunately it didn’t happen.

At the end of the day, I was very thankful that I didn’t pay money for this movie and that the boys pulled out at the last moment to see another movie, so they were saved.

However, and this is where it gets scary, the director has been asked to do the German tourist croc attack that happened up here in the NT 2 years ago. I can only hope that he is killed in the making of this movie to save us all from this very hideous lack of talent and scene setting. The scenes in this movie were not even made out to look like Australia or the Great Barrier Reef. So you can just imagine that the croc attack movie will be set in Florida swamp lands with alligators.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

City Slicker

Picture it, Sicily 1912. As my family were up here recently they informed me that the 4WD tracks were now open in the Litchfield National Park. So as any good surfer knows, when the cyclone swell is pumping, it calls for a sick day, hence my sick day to go 4WDing in the national park. Call a mate and arrange to pick her up and take her out for some RnR. This mate is a City Slicker that is use to council buses, fumes, sky scrapers and the like that are featured in cities of Sydney’s stature. As good as she is, she packs a lunch for us and also packs her dog for the trip. Now this dog is a small dog, you know one that you have to bend over to pat – not really my type of dog – from now on in this dog that belongs to City Slicker will be known as “Slipper”. Tonka is packed and fueled up, the 3 of us in the cab together (Tonka is a 2 seater ute cab). We set off on the proviso that City Slicker wants to get rocks for her garden – there is enough rocks in her head to fill a disused quarry as you can not steal stuff from a national park – I smile and nod my head with no intention to get rocks at all. We just get into the national park when we have to stop for the Slipper to pee. Great. The thing runs out in front of a car – not any old car – but a ranger’s car. Quick talking gets me out of a $130 fine for domestic pets in a national park. The ranger was kind enough to guide me to the place that I had full intentions of going – off the beaten track.

We hit the track, I look to the co pilot and instruct her to get out and lock the hubs – blank expression from City Slicker saw me get out and lock the hubs. How fantastic is this, my fist time 4WDing in Tonka. Slipper is in his element, bouncing around the cab, and still had its leash attached to its collar. On a single vehicle track we hit sand, trees and oh to my delight a water crossing. This water crossing had a depth gauge, only ½ a metre deep – barely anything to wet my tyers – the water was crystal clear and I could see the whole crossing – I looked at City Slicker to instruct her to walk the crossing – very important thing when doing a water crossing – but short term memory of her previous blank expression resulted in me downing gears and attacking this crossing in first gear. It was great, what a water crossing. Steep decent into the water then a steep assent out of the water. Tonka is in its element. So stoked that all of us were from this experience I spot a lovely smallish jump after the assent and still in first gear, I give it a little. 3. 2. 1. Big Bump………. And then there were only 2 left in the cab……. We got air! It was great, big smile on my face and what I thought were delight screams coming from City Slicker, then the quick realization that there are only now 2 of us in the cab, my launching the truck over the bump resulted in the truck launching Slipper out the window. City Slicker was holding onto the end of leash like she had a big barra attached to it. Screaming at me I locked up the breaks, jumped out of the cab and retrieved Slipper from its current hanging position on the exterior of the cab. Back in the car, everyone fine.

Now laughing at the near death experience and fear of copping a lecture for the rest of the day, I drove a little more cautiously. Found a nice spot to have lunch and let Slipper run around next to a small river. Walking along everything fine, Slipper in and out of the water – now looking like a drowned rat – we set up camp for a nice picnic lunch. Hearing a crackling noise, I do a quick wrecky of the site to spot an oncoming bush fire. Explaining this to City Slicker to have her reaction of – oh I just thought that was the sound of the water. When was the last time I ask you that you have heard water crackle…… really people. Keeping an eye on the fire and trying desperately to give well concealed full attention to the conversation, I spot the flames, smoke is now coming towards us. No real drama being so close to the river with the green flora, but my main concern was not for City Slicker or Slipper’s well being, but for my beloved Tonka. Inhaled what was remaining of my lunch to get back in the car. Ah, safety of the confides of the cab. But was it? Took off and made the executive decision to keep heading on the track that I was on. Bush fires are quite unpredictable and coming from a county area I know the full extremes of the severity that a wild bush fire can have. Caution to the wind – there was no wind – hence my decision to proceed down the track. Pass the fire of which now was only 10 metres from the other side of the river bank and keep heading home.

Mental note – when taking a City Slicker to the bush have some sort of knowledge of how little knowledge they have for the bush and its conditions. If you can make them watch Sale of the Century, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune etc so that perhaps they can have a little bit more of a clue.

City Slicker and Slipper pleased with their excursion to the bush and 4WDing, slept in style on the way home in full air conditioned comfort.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the territory

Post Script - City Slicker and Slipper were not hurt in the making of this story, but no doubt the author will cop some sort of barrage from them once they have finished reading it…..

4 things you must do in the NT

Picture it – Sicily 1913. So my stay here is nearly complete. According to my room mate there are 4 things that are required for anyone who visits the territory, here is a story about the completion of one of them.

So off I go for a trip to the bush for some fishing. 1.5hr trip in a 75 series (simply second class to the Patrol) then 30 mins on the trail bike. Legs cut to buggery from the grass we arrive at our destination – a creek. Unlike any other creek, this one had water, crocodiles and apparently (using this term very loosely) barramundi. As the beautiful specium that I am and wanting to retain my youthful good looks, I was standing on the bank applying sunscreen when my fishing partner, who is old and crusty, proceeded with the first cast of the day. Not even 5 seconds had passed when a 75cm barra takes his lure. Heckling from the bank to the girl putting on sunscreen who used rapid replies using the word “prick” in different sentence structures, in he winds this lovely looking silver barra. Excited that all the tall stories about this creek are true, I cast – nothing. So beginners luck was not on my side, that’s ok, cast again. Still nothing, move along the creek a bit, nothing. Crusty, gets on the bike to take his barra back, while I still fish – nothing. One even swam right in front of my feet so I put the lure right in front of him, he may have not had his caffeine intake like me and was a bit rusty – nothing. I could have stabbed the bugger with the rod.

Get on the bike and moved further down creek, scare a couple of crocs, do a couple of cast – nothing. Move again – nothing. Move again – nothing. Pattern forming hey…. Do a river crossing, crusty is on the bike so I have to walk it – nice one. Was that a floating log or something with teeth….. New spot, I took stance where we scared off a 3m fresh croc. Couple of casts – nothing. Move a bit – nothing. Crusty is moving along the bank as well, so I go back to where the croc was. Cast, cast, cast, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Then all of a sudden winding back in my perfected cast (no longer am I launching my lure into the trees) I get hit. It’s on for young and old. Winding in, its my first barra. All very excited I am yelling out to crusty – I got one, I got one!

Then remembering the cut on crustys hand that resulted from his barra, I was yelling WHERE’S THE SHARP BIT
Crusty – mumble mumble
WHERE
Mumble
THE SHARP BIT
Mumble
THE SHARP BIT WHERE IS IT…..ARGH F@#K.....NEVER MIND, I FOUND IT

For all those who are not educated with the barramundi, they have some really sharp bits on them and a spiky thing as well. My barra (only 35cm long, under size so was released) sliced my finger open – blood everywhere. Instant karma

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Airport

Picture it, Sicily 1918, so I had one of those not so nice phone calls about a family member’s passing. So off to the airport I go to fly back home. As Darwin’s airport has no curfew unlike the rest of the Australian airports (residential complaints regarding noise) I flew out on the 1.30am red eye express. Sitting there patiently waiting for my flight to board I was passing the time by reading my book and listening for the boarding call for my flight. When over the PA comes the announcement.

“Can the owner of the Blue Heeler that is sitting down at Departures please come and pick up him up. That’s the Blue Heeler Owner of the Blue Heeler at departures. Just recapping the dog is a Blue Heeler dog at Departures awaiting the Blue Heeler owner.”

I am pretty sure that this announcement went on for what seemed ages as the terminal was in raptures of laughter which drowned out the PA announcement.

One way and one announcement to wake you up for your red eye express and just another, shall we say, territory thing.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the territory

Water restrictions

Picture it, Sicily 1917, as you know it’s very wise to keep up your fluids here in the Territory, actually it’s quite crucial. The NT News reported earlier this year that Territorians were drunk 6 out of 7 nights a week. This may be true for some, but either way it’s crucial to keep your fluids up. I have taken heed to this advice and have water bottles situated in strategic positions around the house. One that is quite important is the “beside the bed” water bottle. This bottle has come in handy many times when you return home from a night of drinking and need to lesson the effects of a hangover and drink some water. Now the water up here is not the greatest tasting water there is. So to combat this we taint our water with dashes of lemon/lime squeeze or cordial. This is a great taste to some dull water. The territory’s’ weather is interesting to say the least. As most would know, the weather is humid and we suffer from some issues with mould and dampness etc. I have left the tainted water beside my bed for week periods and as I am not pissed as often as the rest of the Territorians, so my need to consume this water is much less. However when I do, I really need that water. Now to my surprise during one particular evening, I have woken up to retrieve this life line and have found to find this water not pleasing to the palate at all. INSERT LESSON # 1 - It seems that when you leave flavored water beside your bed for a week it grows MOULD. Drinking mouldy water is not tasty at all.

Do you think that I have learnt from just one instance on this matter – no – I have done it twice now. What makes this even worse is that I am allergic to penicillin – so essentially I could die from this.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the territory.

Girls go fishing

Picture it, Sicily 1917 the Monday of the May Day long weekend was spent with the girls on a girly fishing trip. We all met at the Trailer Boat Club, distinguished from the Royal Cruising Yacht Club of Darwin situated right next door as, as the title suggests, this club is reserved for those boats with accessories like – trailers.

So the girls are there at the time specified by the captain. Of course, who turns up late but the boys. Everyone in the boat, well the girls that is, the boys had to get wet and launch the boat. Off we go straight out from the boat ramp into the midst of Darwin Harbor. From my experience we are meant to be near obstacles like branches and pylons of the like so the fish can hide. Nope, out in the middle of the harbor, in the shipping channel. But on the sounder there was a bomby below us.

Lines out in one hand and drink in the other. The tide was ripping back into the harbor. Our lines were constantly getting tangled, but that’s ok, that what the boys are there for. Now as it was a girly fishing trip we didn’t have to; get our own drinks; bait our hooks; take the fish off and get this – clean the boat. But most importantly – clean the 30 fish that we caught. However I did do an injury and you know how I did state it was a girly trip – the injury involved a fingernail.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Photograph - Kim Dundee happy snap in Darwin Harbour

Country

Picture it, Sicily 1916. Our plans for the long weekend took us to the Katherine Country Music Muster. Pre planning this event we entered my Truck into the “Beaut Ute” comp. An early start for Saturday morning saw me pick up my bud and headed off down the track to the show. Flogging it out on the open roads he subjected me to listen to country music - in my truck!!! That’s ok, must ease myself into these things. But still didn’t go well with the slight hangover that resulted from a funny Friday night that was mixed with drinking and “come fuck me boots” (that’s a whole different story).

Rock up in the pumping town of Katherine to find out it was bloody cold. Do you think I brought a jumper? I had enough trouble trying to find an outfit to go with country music, starting with my shoes – I should have gone naked as my whole entire shoe collection had nothing that resembled country music styles. But that was soon forgotten as I spotted a breakfast bbq. What a nice thing for my hangover. Hang over cured, I moved onto the Ute comp.

I entered Tonka into the best 4WD comp. Originally I had it entered into the best Chick Ute and 4WD Ute but could only enter one category. Now being out of the closet for some years now, I have seen some scary butch lesbians in my time but the chicks that entered their utes in the comp were interesting. True bush girls – diamonds in the rough. And some of their utes were very well decked out, but most of them could have done without all the Bundy rum and XXXX stickers. There were about 5 4WD entered all of which were Toyota’s (god invented Toyota’s so dickheads could go 4WDriving – my favorite sticker from the coast) and my lovely but dirty (killed my fair share of bugs on the dawn run down the track) Patrol. I WON. EAT SHIT TOYOTA’s (that last sentence was really butch of me hey). So my prize was a bottle of wine and $100 worth of engineering and welding from a company in Katherine. It cost me more than that in petrol getting down there and back. Looked at my boss, who was my cheer squad, he kept smiling at the prize – he can have it.

Now let me tell you about the bottle of wine. Had to pick it up from this caravan park – good start. I got to choose which one I wanted - improving, when the attendant directed me to the wine fridge and top shelf. Top shelf – impressive – until I rock up at the fridge and realized that there is only one bottle of wine to chose from and was located on the top shelf of the fridge………

Off now to the country music muster. Well what can I say about country music….. that at all resembles something positive……. Nope, nothing. Was subjected to songs about water and where you find water (will save you the details on that one) one about dung beetles, road train driver etc. are we getting the picture of how excited I was. There was a bar there but I was trying to go a day without drinking. Please all, learn from my mistake. If attending a country music muster – get pissed, so pissed that you see Slim Dusty – un dug……

Off camping we go. Camped at Edith falls again. Full house. Cold. Very romantic. Andrew and I looked at each other…nope nothing… then at the German tourists. Cant speak German so off on a walk to the pool we go for the sunset. Fed the barras with native frogs. Toads have reached there and even the eels were not touching them. How we found out that the fish like frogs is that one jumped on me, now being from QLD I thought it was a toad – not coping – I launched it, encompassed in a scream - into the water in total darkness to find a massive amount of commotion. We wiped out a small population of frogs that night.

Returned to camp for dinner when Andrew instructs me not to move. Come on Andrew, do you really think I was going to stay still knowing that there are toads around – not likely. When to my surprise a wallaby was finishing off my dinner. We both moved and I think one of us even had a bowel movement. Charging 300 I restarted my heart and stood on its tail.

Up the next day after freezing that night. Temp is really starting to fall now in the bush. I think it got as low as 20. Mental note, next time bring a hot chick for some warmth or learn how to speak German to pick up those very hot chicks camping near us. Was up early, well for me anyway as it was a Sunday morning (still surprises me that there is actually a morning to Sundays that doesn’t end with me slurring “see ya cabbie”). We headed off on the 8 km hike. My flu has not gone yet and the cold night had me in trouble doing the hike - sniffing all the way. At least Andrew knew where I was.

Traveled back to Darwin and Andrew fell asleep for most of it. Positive for country music, is that when a country music fan falls asleep on the drive back – CHANGE THE CD!

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Disclaimer – my lovely country music fan Andrew was not hurt on this trip
Attachment – photo of me at the bar – my bull bar – of Tonka wishing the coke had been visited by my good old pal, Johnny Walker.

How to meet your mate

Picture it – Sicily 1912, Kim Dundee is at yet another ute competition held at the Fred’s Pass Rural Show. For those Brisbane ites – its like a mini Ekka. So the truck is sorted and clean - enough. The competition is increased from the Katherine Country Music Muster. Just standing around waiting for the judges to judge when I spot sexy *****(name ommited so you cant pay me out on my taste in girls) walking towards me. ***** is a sexy lesbian that I met when I first arrived to Darwin. She is old, but enough eye candy for me. Our eyes locked, she walks closer to me, I gave the “hi how you doing” smile and ever so charming grin with a small but distinguished head nod. I was all set to talk to her and do my wonders, when Mother Nature stopped by for a quick chat. Now the chat with Mother Nature was an interesting chat and was my first of that kind. The effects of the chat was long lasting and I still have the scars as I type today, which is nearly a week old. The Mother Nature chat was a chat that I could not ignore. It was a chat a bit like the Birds and Bees, except for the fact that it was 4 FUCKING WASPS that stung me! No not 1, but 4 of the fuckers. So my reaction was as distinguished that you know Kim Dundee could be. I jumped up and down, ran around, was like a drama queen on drugs, sought advice and reassurance from Andrew – of which all he could do was laugh. Sally passed me like 2 ships in the night – except one was sinking – painfully – that was me. I never saw her after that…..

Andrew who studies environmental science informs me that the wasps do not die after they sting me – where is the karma in that, I ask you.

After retelling this story with my mates in Darwin and waiting for what seemed an eternity for them to stop laughing at me – all they could say was “it wasn’t meant to be”. No you idiots not a bee.……. A BLOODY WASP!

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the territory

Post script
Oh and as if the wasps were not enough, I got second place in the best chicks ute and third in the best 4WD ute (issues on the 4WD ute competition as a Cruiser got second – it’s a Patrol thing)

Tiwi Island

Picture it, Sicily 1916. We got on this coffin of a looking plane. Nothing like a vintage number to settle your nerves with 10 seats. I got to sit next to the pilot, well you do when you’re the one holding the gun to his head. 12 minute flight, we spent longer taxing around the airport than what we did flying. Over the water to Bathurst Island and landed. There were about 7 planes there when we landed.

Got out and had no idea of where to go, but a bus pulled up so we jumped on it. Was not to sure if it was the bus for the bigger plane that landed just after us. They looked like they had more money and definitely more of a clue than us. Apparently as I was with most of the people from work and me being the event coordinator I was meant to have a clue. People it’s the weekend and I am clueless on the weekend. We filled the bus and they had to wait for it to return.

First stop - some shack of a looking gypsy bus humpy donga. It was some art thing, had no idea what the driver said to us, but we stayed on the bus and continued. Went past the ground – of which we thought was our next stop – we were wrong as the bus hurtled up the street dodging camp dogs on the road. Turned the corner and we were at the Tiwi Art Sale. Pilled off and checked out the art work. Quick browse then off on foot for the ground. Not to far, nice walk and caught up with a mate. Got to the ground to find out it was a dry community. Welcome to - Betty Forde Clinic. Tried to find the 2nd flight occupants with no luck. Had a feed, sat around, had a yarn, saw some other people I knew from uni and kicked back to watch the girls play.

Got informed that the gypsy shack bus humpty donga was the disabled art place and they were cheaper than Tiwi Art so we tried to work out how to get there. When up pulls this mammoth of a looking paddy wagon. When in Rome. Fingers crossed for no accidents on this trip. Hurtled down the road to the shack. Just before leaving we picked up one of our mob from the first trip. Bumped along the road with lots of breasts enjoying the trip. Pulled up and fell out of the truck. Art work was good, but didn’t purchase. Hung around there for a bit and saw more people I knew.

Another mammoth paddy wagon pulls up and we return to the oval but I stay on with a work mate and go back to Tiwi Art for some real art purchasing. Scored 3 very lovely prints. On foot back to ground for the final. At 2pm the island became wet and the drinkers were out in force but contained to an enclosurer, similar to a zoo. Watched the game and barracked for the team closet to us – of which lost but a close game.

Game ended and first flight out was scheduled for 4.30pm. Airport shuttle was running – 1 bus only for over 1000 darwinites. You should have seen the people waiting. We “under the treed it” till we thought it was our turn to return to the airport for our departure at 5.15. Well needless to say the amount of people trying to get to the airport was huge. The whole airport shuttle departure point started walking - with the sign - to the airport. Island time things were happening to slow for the white fella. Everyone bailed and we were still under our tree showing off our artwork. When up pulls another mammoth paddy wagon. STAMPEED. We secured the rights to be on the caged ride and were second to arrive at the airport.

Well the airport. There was pretty much every plane from Darwin parked there. It was like a car park for planes. I lost count at 45 planes waiting to take off. Our 4.30 plane took off at 5.30 and plane after plane cued for take off rights. Until the planes started to return for their second trips. We finally arrived after our fair amount of jet fuel sniffing and jet engine hair blow waves at 7.30pm. Got to sit next to the pilot again.

2 matters of concern – one was when a return plane decided to cut across our line – we banked to miss and two upon landing the pilots sun visor fell down and blocked his vision – can I say at that point we were very close to having wheels on ground – Dundee had fingernails in arm rests.

Every one off, kissed the ground, thanked god I was alive and looked quickly for a beer. No beer, well what better than to go to a mates house and show off my purchases.

How good was it really – we have filled 2 planes for next year.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory.

Assault

Picture it, Sicily 1914, I was traveling along one of the major roads here in Darwin (it was Trower rd near CSC – for those of you who know Darwin). Major roads in Darwin are separated from oncoming traffic with lovely manicured gardens. My truck was positioned in the right hand lane (it’s where all fast cars go). Mid afternoon. Sun was out. Darwin maximum was its normal 34 degrees. Window was down. As we have entered the dry season in Darwin the council has its automated watering system going. I was driving along – most likely having a bit of a sing along with the radio. A small car was in front of me. I think people call them Holden commodores. When we were pulling up to a set of lights I noticed that one of the irrigation heads was broken, thus resulting in a straight long stream of water jetting out over the road. To my amusement I noticed that this stream cleared the commodore without a drop hitting the car. Slowing even further down and still laughing at the car in front, I was assaulted in the face from the jet of water protruding from the broken irrigation head.

Now being with my car for some time now I am quite use to it and just think of it as any normal car (except its award winning) and all I see is the steering wheel and the bonnet. So as you can imagine I was quite ignorant to what occurred.

For those of you who don’t know my award winning car – please refer to the picture attached (its only 9 inches higher than what is should be)

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory.