Kim Dundee's Mini Me

Picture it Sicily present day, your 5…….. and a half, its ever so important that half when your five, you set off to see Santa.

Now a bit of background information that pertains to this story. As you are all adults reading this you know the story of Santa. Big, fat, jolly, red fella who hangs out with reindeers and can be found from late November (god for bid, how early do we have to start each year!!!) to the 24th of December in your local shopping centres and anywhere there may be a social gathering of kids. He then disappears to be only seen through the night skies going from rooftop to rooftop on Christmas Eve. As there is a great need for Santa at each of these venues he has to recruit stunt doubles.

In steps my uncle, Keith. Recommend by a golfing mate he recently attended Santa School. Uncle Keith has all the attributes for the making of a good Santa double. Back groud info on Uncle Keith is that he is a retired highly successful and talented Engineer of some discipline of where he spent most of his time in Alice Springs the other major town of the Northern Territory. So, he has a pudge that any great food and beer lover would be proud of (I just mentioned that he lived in the Territory for some years), a white beard (back to white now after giving up smoking some years ago), red face (think that is a family skin trait), time on his hands (he is retired) and a jolly outlook on life - and who the hell wouldn’t being retired and not having to go to work everyday!

Now my lovely niece, who I admit has me wrapped around her finger, and from what people say, slightly resembles me in looks but definitely in attitude, sets off with her mum to Myers to ask Santa all of those crucial questions. She interviewed Santa for several minutes on; how did he get there and where did he park the sleigh and what was his name. However you can be certain that she would have finished her interrogation with the question, arising after many threats from her parents of “Santa, define good?”

Although her mum told her that she knows "Santa" very well, that Tyler might know who he is if she looked closely... She kept asking mum who he was and her answer was "It's Santa, who else would it be".

Though walking out to the car they paused, turned and had a look on the roof of Myer's to see if they could see the Reindeer and Sleigh. Of which they did. Although most of us would call the black thing sticking up off of the roof some sort of air-conditioning infrastructure, but Tyler informed her mum that it was Santa's seat at the back of the sleigh which was all that they could see.

Travelling home in the car a comment was made by the interrogator "Mummy, Santa sounded like Keith, you know, Keith and Heather."

This is Kim Dundee reporting on Mini Me (who still believes)

Not Today's News Reported....

Careful What You Order

Picture it, Sicily 1917. Your on your way home from FNQ (Far North Queensland) of which the locals have changed slighlty somewhat to FNQM (F#%kin North Queensland Mate) when the red dust gets the better of your thirst and you need to make a stop. Unlike the Territory where drive thrus out number pubs, we had to bide our time till the next town which was Coen - FNQM. Now as my brother-in-law is your hard working blue collar yobbo okka hetro fella type, he took one look at this pub, paused, contimplated what a Jim Beam (his usual drink of choice) may actually be......and sent me in to order instead.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from outside of the Territory

Photographer - Kim Dundee

Kim Duddee - Batteries Included

Picture it, Sicily 1913. I have finally taken a well deserved holiday. This holiday is right up my alley as its 3 weeks spent driving to the top of Australia.

Unfortunately my partner was unable to attend, so Kim Dundee is off, footloose and fancy free. Now as stated it was a driving holiday, destination - the top of the Australian Mainland, Cape York, Queensland. As I am positioned in the capital of the Northern Territory, I had to drive 2800klms to reach Cairns to meet up with the rest of the crew. Upon arrival in Cairns it seems that we have now lost one of the cars due to mechanical failure. Who is left, my sister, brother-in-law and 5 year old niece.

Now we have all be young at some stage of our lives so we know that traveling in a car on long distances and keeping your fluids up, you need to make those ever so crucial pee stops. Traveling with my 5 year old niece, we slowly made our way up the track as she quickly earned the name of “urinator” (this was given to her by her parents).

On one particular stop after coming close to rolling the car as I punched out one of my rear shocks getting air, miraculously at the bottom of a dip, the following has happened.

We have been traveling on the development road, which was in bad need of a grader. The corrugations were causing all some sort of discomfort, especially those in the 80 series behind Tonka. The radio call comes through, “mummy I need to pee”. Finding a safe spot to pull off we exit the car and wait for my brother-in-law to catch up. My sister was traveling with me at the time and upon exit of Tonka we could hear this noise. It was a moaning noise a bit like what a cow would sound like in labour. Mmmmooooaaaannnn, moan, moan, moan, mmmmooooaaaannnn...... So we did a quick wreckie of the site and couldn’t see anything.

Tim pulls up and the “urinator” marks her territory when I question Tim about the noise, of which now, as there are no cows to be seen, has to be some sort of vibration as a result of all the corrugations coming from my vehicle as I left it idling. We both inspected the vehicle and found nothing loose but the noise was still there. Mmmmooooaaaannnn, moan, moan, moan, mmmmooooaaaannnn..... What could this be? So we open the back of Tonka up and upon closer inspection found the noise to be coming from my space case (dust proof box containing all my food, clothes and spare parts). Mmmmooooaaaannnn, moan, moan, moan, mmmmooooaaaannnn...... Tim goes “it’s coming from your case, its right here in the corner. Do you have something in there?”. Mmmmooooaaaannnn, moan, moan, moan, mmmmooooaaaannnn....... At this point, everyone is close to my car. Quickly my memory returns. Mmmmooooaaaannnn, moan, moan, moan, mmmmooooaaaannnn.......

Now as stated earlier, I am in a new relationship so we are still enjoying the honeymoon period. So the tap is on – if you know what I mean. No water restrictions here. Can turn the tap on when ever I like or just leave it on. Who cares, I’m not in a drought. I’m a smiling Scorpio, THE TAP IS ON! Well needless to say, it was hard to spend 3 weeks away from my partner, especially…….with the tap on. Oh happy joy for the tap being on. Ok, enough of the tap is on, but you know you are jealous cause - my tap is on. We said our goodbyes and gifts were exchanged.

Now you have all heard those stories from airport workers about people’s luggage that buzz so they have to inspect the luggage only to find that 90% of the time it’s an electric toothbrush and of course when I go camping, I actually do pack my electric travel tooth brush.

Normally a Teflon coated person I am, who can hang anything on anyone by being a smart arse, I had nothing….. except for the truth of “oh you don’t want to know”. My brother-in-law, paused, waited for it to sink in and left laughing. Getting back in the car with my sister who couldn’t stop laughing for what seemed a decade, said “why didn’t you just say it was your electric toothbrush”.

This is Kim Duddee reporting from outside of the Territory.

Birth of Kim Duddee

It has come time to say that, although agreed by most people I meet, I am a far superior individual than what most people are that I associate with, but knowing and receiving such accolades I am not void of indiscretions. Here are a few stories of a humanized Kim Dundee giving birth to Kim Duddee

Kim Duddee reporting from the Territory

Corporate Ladder

Picture it, Sicily 1914. I have recently started a new career with the Chamber of Commerce and Industry Northern Territory. As with my generation, the Xers, we have many careers changes in our employment history and this is my first. So humbly, I have started down a few rungs than what I am use to. Now you have to admit that I am near perfection than anyone you have ever met and clearly this is evident as I have been in my new position for 4 weeks and already I am off, on a course, that will take me to the top. From my interview, my manager to be, was so stricken by the prowess of such an individual that I am, that he recognized the determination and drive that I have as an employee, to make it to the top. I know what you are thinking, how can you receive such a promotion in as little as time as what I have. Well yes I scored 19/20 as a leader and that I am Type A personality and I am equipped with my management degree, but these are just some of the personal attributes that will get you places. However, I also have the full backing and support, as I do represent several minority groups, of the Union. With such power behind me, I will soon be at the top.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

AKA, Kim Dundee is driving her award winning Tonka for three weeks on the Savannah Way highway to Cape York, the Northern most point of the Australian Mainland, with her 7 week holiday payout from the CDU Students’ Union after negotiating this holiday with the Chamber NT having only worked there for 4 weeks.

Gravity

Picture it Sicily 1916, so we are in-between cars at the moment with work but luckily we have been able to use the university's pool vehicles. My boss returns with the car all ready for our finance assistant to do the banking. As he knew that the car would be used immediately or near enough, he parked it on the street directly below our offices of which there are 3 car parks. As most know company cars have automatic transmission, except for this one which was the uni ute.

Upon announcement that she was off to do the banking and I needed to go that way, I decided to hitch a ride. This was a lucky decision as the car, as previously stated was a manual and our finance assistant only had her automatic licence. So with the keys handed to me we set off on our outing.

Walking out of the office I double check the location of the vehicle with the finance assistant. Ensuring me that the car was parked out on the street we head that way. When half way down the stairs, which gives you a full view of the street and the 3 car parks, I see no parked cars.

So I triple checked as we have 3 other car parks at the rear of the adjourning building, perhaps it was parked there. So we proceeded to this location, when on our travels, I question what kind of vehicle we have. Instructed it was the university ute, I lost it. You see, in my line of sight was this ute that was now parked up the gutter resting in front of a concrete retaining wall.

We both ran over to inspect the vehicle. Could it be that it was the vehicle we had booked? Well with the university logo on the side of it and the keys in my hand unlocking the door, it was without a doubt, the car we had booked that my boss had just returned.

Laughing so hard now, we had to share our story. So we go back to the office. It’s a small team that we work with so word quickly spread among the 3 remaining staff. Everyone now laughing, except for my boss who had a look of puzzlement on his face as the level of volume increased as each staff member walked passed his office and looked at him. All staff had now left the building to get a better look, when I had to interrupt a meeting that my boss was having, in fact it was a job interview, to inform him of his slight oversight. You see, when you are used to driving an automatic you need to understand that they have different requirements to a manual when parking a vehicle on a hill. My manager ran to the crash site and drove the car out of the gutter as the rest of us couldn’t see from tears of laughter. Thankfully for him, the car only got 50 metres which was fortunate as the street is 200 metres long and at the bottom of it, is a creek (Rapid Creek) where no one would have found the car.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Post Script - there was no visable damage to the car.

Piercings

Picture it, Sicily 1976. 2 very great human beings were born in this year, the year of the Dragon. 1 is my best mate, Piercings, the other was me. She is a true freak of nature, as..... she always knows.

Lets step back in history a bit - we hooked up at 13 years of age when my mother left my father and became best mates with Piercings mother. We were untamed creatures and a friendship was born, none unlike your friendship that you form with your jail house mate. We always stay in contact with each other, despite the states that each of us live in and the states of our drunken behavior. Which is a good thing that we live in other states as when we get together, well, just hold on for the ride as we always get up to things that we are not meant to.

Back to present day - it was my birthday the other day and as Piercings does, she called twice. One on Melbourne Cup, as one year she forgot my birthday and as she lives in Melbourne, she had a day off for it, so she now has a marker for my birthday. So a lesson learnt, she called me on my real birthday as well. But in true form, best mates know exactly what to give each other for presents. Why one year, I gave Piercings a bed pan, which I scribed on it "A piss pot for a piss pot, love ya guts, kimmy kimmy look at me, kimmy". Now I do admit that I love her guts, but not her tits, we all know that there isn't much of those to go around, but A for effort - of which is also her bra cup size. But for this birthday, she got me a copy of the banned film in the Northern Territory, "Wolf Creek". In true form, she sent it to herself first so she could watch it, then its in the post for me (by the time she sends it, it will be xmas). Now, as she was born in the early part of the year, we are off to Melbourne for her 30th next year - to do what - to shoot her of course.

This is Kim Dundee Reporting from the Territory

Here is a picture that I took of Piercings at our recent holiday in Byron Bay that my lovely partner fixed up a bit.

Luck

Picture it, Sicily 1915. I was at a lovely beachside resort with mates of mine from work. Enjoying their company drinking on the cabins deck overlooking the beach, we got friendly with the neighbors that were sharing the other half of our cabin. And how can you not get friendly with the neighbors when the walls are paper thin and steam train Bobby pulled into town and laid there shunting back and forth with full engines running all night. That line sounds pretty sordid, but I am referring to his snoring. We laughed and got on with our drinking. Watching the sun set after consuming a very large dead cow meal was quite the ticket we wanted in this new year. So after a few drinks we got friendly. This couple was great. They were very much in love and there without their kids. But none the less, lets get on with this story.

The couple had the most unbelievable luck. I am talking about the worst luck I have ever recalled. Surviving the Katherine floods with a run of errors, forgetting to take the GPS on holidays with you to this resort as they loaded up their boat, not to mention that after they did a mercy dash back to Darwin to get their GPS, they forgot their brand new $200 worth of tackle. They were also the people who discovered the wreck that was later identified as the missing wreck from Cyclone Tracy. This lovely wreck was the giver of some great sized fish, now for you southerners, I am talking about some real sized fish, not those fish that you take home and cook up fish fingers with and what we use as live bait up here. And fish that you don’t have to work for. Line in, fall to the bottom then big fish on the end. Now that’s Territory fishing. This wreck is now a no go zone as some people went down with it during the cyclone so is now a marine graveyard.

This couple had us in hysterics as we laughed with them at all of their misfortunes. As previously stated, we were at a resort for fishing. The weather was crap. White caps in the channel only meant that the open water would be worse and we recently had a dump of rain so most things wouldn’t be on the bite, including what they were after which was mud crabs. But they persevered. We watched from our deck as they took off for a days crabbing. Pots in, spot of fishing, nothing. No worries, go and check the pots – nothing. Except a fish. And a pretty fish at that. They took a moment to admire this fish, what a pretty fish one says to the other. Chomp. What was this happening before their eyes, chomp, chomp. The bloody fish was eating through the crab pot. In great fear of have irreversible damage to the crab pot that my pose as an escape route to any great buck, they quickly dispersed with the pretty fish and went to check the other pots. Well with 10 pots down over a change in tide you would think they would have something. But no – nothing. Not to be undeterred, they left the pots in for the night and retreated back to the resort whilst they had good daylight to find their way back home.

Traveling back home, they were some what deflated as they got nothing. Full steam ahead to get home and keep the boat above those white caps. When on the trip home it happened. They caught a fish! Now there are conventional ways of catching a fish. You know, with a hook and line and if you are lucky enough bait on the hook that hasn’t flown off with your ever so great casts. Or perhaps you have graduated or got pissed off with that process and now use lurers. But this wasn’t how they caught their fish. They had their rods secured in the rod holders and the landing net as well (crucial piece of equipment to assist with bringing the big one home). Well that is exactly how they caught their fish. Both hiding from the wind on the trip home the landing net was poking out of one of the rod holders on the side of the boat. As the landing net is a net it didn’t move much or would put up much of a resistance in the wind. That is except when it is full, which was now the case. The unluckiest fish in the ocean jumped at the wrong time, right into the net as they were driving home empty handed.

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Too Cool

Picture it, Sicily 1916. The weather in the Northern Territory is heating up. We are now in the middle of the “Build Up”. For those southerners who don’t understand, the build up is a terminology that locals use which relates to the weather and its humidity.

The humidity is the key factor and quite a dirty word at the moment. Many try different ways to stay cool and one that we are quite renowned for is the consumption of alcohol. That is one effective means and one that I quite often use. However the purchases of fans in any shape or form to blow some sort of air your way is the cheap option out if you can not afford the luxury of air-conditioning.

Upon my travels back and forth to the bottle-o I pass amusement with the site of one of our neighbor’s antics as a good member of the animal kingdom. Opting to live outdoors this creature is not immune to the humidity level. However even the kind relatives that he has, treat him with the honor and respect that one of such a caliber should expect, as our bloody neighbors have a desk fan directed into their dog’s kennel…..

This is Kim Dundee reporting from the Territory

Tim's Reply

Reply from tim regarding the barra catching

We've decided to not take up the offer of Barra fishing in the NT with yourself or your so-called guide, as the brochure we received is not selling it for us.

Regards

Your southern counterpart -

Tim